I had my toughest 'Dad moment' tonight with Deven. I usually give Cami a hard time about catering to his eating habits and therefore enabling his pickyness, so I decided early on that I was going to give him some food and he was going to at least have to try it. Period. Cami was in another state tonight so there's no check. While watching the A&M / K-State game, I fixed his banana (a food he likes) and water during the conclusion of the 4th quarter. The game would go into quadruple overtime...foreshadowing my back-and-forth with Deven.
We started with the plate on the coffee table. He walked up to the plate, reached for a piece and for a brief moment I thought "This is going to be easy! I am the man!", then he ran away to play with his cars. No problem; I've got time. That went on for about 15 minutes, but I needed to start encouraging a timely dinner. So I sat him down in his high chair (where he always eats his meals) and nothing. Maybe a couple of sips from his cup. Another 10 minutes and I put him down. More running around. When he came near the coffee table this time I offered banana and he knocked the plate out of my hand. End of our regulation.
I put the banana away and figured absence would make the stomach grow fonder. The kid has to get hungry enough some time. While I was basking in the brilliance of my plan Deven opened the cubbard and found the the crackers (pronounced "cah-cah"s). Probably his favorite. And this is when the real battle ensued. I put the crackers back, sat him in his high chair, and he let me have it. "Cah-cah!!!! Cahhhhhh-Cahhh!!!" "Deven, eat your banana." "Cahh cahhh!!" "Banana." Eventually he was too upset to function so I put him in his room for a bit. End of overtime 1.
After he calmed down we tried again. This time was noticeably different though. I could just see the stubborness in his eyes. I tried to squint my eyes just slightly so he could see I was up to the challenge. Blue steel. "Cah-cah" he said calmly. "Banana" I replied in the same tone. Silence. His eyes shifting. My eyes locked on his. Deven scratches at crumbs on table. "Cah-cah meh meh cah-cah." I actually said "Deven, I know you think you can be stubborn. But you don't even know stubborn." Then things went wild again and we had a freak out. End of overtime 2.
I retrieved him from his room and held him for a bit this time until I was sure he was totally ready for another round. "God, please help me figure out how to make this kid eat and not be a bad father." I sat him in his chair and I didn't speak this time. "Cah-cah." Lee points at plate. "Cah-cah!!!" More of this. Before he got too ramped up I put him down on the ground. He walked away cautiously. End of overtime 3.
As he rolled his cars around on the step between our dining room and living room, I watched him from my chair. Everything was much calmer now and I decided I probably had one more shot. I picked up the plate from his high chair and held it about knee-height. He looked at it for a good 5 seconds, then set his car down and walked towards me. "Maybe, just maybe this is our chance." He sets his car down at my feet and grabs a piece. Sets that piece down and grabs a different piece. Sets that one down. Then he touches two more pieces and looks at me with eyes that have been crying for about an hour. I nod my head to encourage one bite. Just one bite Deven and I'll stuff you so full of cah-cahs you will pop. He turns away but it's not over yet. He walks about 5 feet away, faces the hallway, then looks back at me. My eyes widen just a bit as I picture him running to the plate, eating a handful, and us celebrating together. But instead he just looks at me. He's not upset anymore - now he's deeply disappointed. Like I should have done better. Like that look your Dad gives you when you screw up. He turns away and leaves the room while I cry for the first time in a long time, taking the rejection of the banana as a rejection of myself. Man that hurts. End of overtimes.
Don't think he didn't understand this exchange - I am his father and I assure you he did. And don't think I didn't love on him during it because I did. And I don't need your advice on what I should have done differently. He'll live skipping one meal and we'll pick it back up again tomorrow. This was just my first taste of how ridiculously hard parenting is and will be. The moments of these first two years have been either rewarding or written off as "He's not yet capable of rationale thought." With the ability to say "I love you Daddy" also comes "You failed me, Dad".
Prayer time must increase. - LM